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What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door
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How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
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How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don't know, its never happened
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Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
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How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
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Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
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What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
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What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
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What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
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Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
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Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
______________________________________________________________ Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".
Adam .....
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds good to me ..bring it on!."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh....Ok,. what can I get for a rib?"
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