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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've abandoned my joke thread as I sometimes want to post different things.

You are all invited to post your jokes etc here too.

To kick it off.

Getting rid of stress

Walk barefoot – doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.
 

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Rest In Peace Mike, 1944-2017.
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I thought

and I thought

and I thought in vain

and so I simply wrote my Name.

 

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Rest In Peace Mike, 1944-2017.
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Ok Kev the autograph book poetry was a cr*p idea ... but I have just remembered a great video that I saw that helped explain the economic crisis in Europe so thought I should pop it in here .... it's just the sort of thing to kick off your thread...honest !!! :wink:

 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Not sure what to make of that.


This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real T**t when you're drunk."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the shwing."

=====================================================================

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"


:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
=======================================================

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 90 Kilos!"

=======================================================
 

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This is an old one,so here goes.

A guy sitting in a pub with his mates.when every time someone walks in they greet him with" Hello Eric ".
This goes on all night every time someone walks in.One of his mates says " blimey Eric your popular in here tonight."
Eric says " where ever i go people know me ",Ah come off it said his mate.
I`ll prove it said Eric .They leave the pub and hail a taxi and the driver says hello Eric.
His mate says " your are setting me up " i`m not says Eric,even the pope know me "No way said his mate "
I will prove it to you and set off to the vatican in Rome.
Walking through the corridors all the Bishops are greeting Eric until he meets the pope. Hello Eric says the pope,I`m just going out onto the balcony to greet the crowd,would you like come out with me,so out they go .
The crowd are cheering when one person in the crowd says to people around him.

Who`s that bloke with Eric
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Sorry for the antiquity :lol: :lol:
 

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Kev_n_Liz said:
Getting rid of stress

Walk barefoot - doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.
Doesnt work as good as a case of Leffe Blonde though and not nearly as much fun! :D Ill try drinking while walking around barefoot next time though and report back. :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Lunatics


Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
The language of women :roll: :roll: :roll:


FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
College

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".
 

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Rest In Peace Mike, 1944-2017.
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That would be an injection of humour I suppose :lol:
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
wakk44 said:
Kev_n_Liz said:
:roll: :roll: :roll:
And what's wrong with dentist humour ?

Q: What does the dentist of the year get?

>

>

>

A: A little plaque :D
Nothing I posted the first one, do keep up Wak please, Spykals was rubbish as usual :wink: :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Marriage.

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.

The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
You'll like this one. :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's a scroller so go to the end












A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.















The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was.



































In very small letters, the stamp said,














































“When you can read this, come back and see me.”
 
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