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The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.

The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"

By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge t*ts. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.

The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a sh*t first!"
 

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One or two more for you if you like flights

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

* * * * * *

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

* * * * * *

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."

* * * * * *

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

* * * * * *

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

* * * * * *

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

* * * * * *

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

* * * * * *
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

* * * * * *

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

* * * * * *

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

* * * * * *

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."

* * * * * *

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

* * * * * *

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"

* * * * * *

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault...it was the asphalt!"

* * * * * *

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"

* * * * * *

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

* * * * * *

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

* * * * * *

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

* * * * * *

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways

* * * * * *

A man gets into his seat on an airline, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler. says, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." Once in the air the handler says to the dog, Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man. A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "oh hell, he just found a bomb..."
 
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